Porkypines

The Porkypine, not to be confused with Porcupines, is a dangerous, procrastination-inducing creature, out to destroy human society completely and utterly.

Porkypines

The Porkypine, according to the noted scientist A. Maust, sometimes known as the father of the Science of Legends, was a largish, evil creature with over 3,000,007 poisoned spines, laser vision, and acid spit. One can hardly think of a more terrifying adversary, but it gets worse. In addition to being the root cause of Obama’s election (and re-election), they are responsible for something far worse- Procrastination. The spines on the Porkypine can be shot, and when they hit a victim, he or she procrastinates. Neither does the victim know what is going on, unless you happen to be reading this when you should be doing school. If so, scan the room around you, although chances are you won’t see it.

illustration of a porkypine

Anatomy of a Porkypine

The Porkypine is a smallish creature, usually no taller than your due dates. On its back, it has 3,000,007 Spines. Each spine is equipped with a potent venom that causes procrastination. They also are able to shoot their spikes as well. Using a process called Pherical Hormone Tendril Octanes Ordering, or PHTOO, The Porkypine draws air in through a small vent next to a spine’s base, and compresses it under the spine, eventually leading the dislodging of the spine at high velocity towards an unsuspecting victim.

(see fig. 1)

fig.1

The head of the Porkypine is another fascinating part of the creature. In the year 2015, a team of dedicated scientist caught a live Porkypine and were able to study it in captivity. Through careful research, many stunning discoveries were made.

One of the first things studied were the eyes. Though careful, dangerous, and often painful research, a stunning conclusion was made. In Andrew Maust’s original work, it was claimed that the Porkypines had laser eyes. This is, in fact, not true. Based on Tests and observations of a close-up captive Porkypine, we now know that a Porkypine does NOT have laser vision, But Plasma Vision. Although inherently more terrifying for the common crowd, Plasma vision is a possibility with the Porkypine, whereas Laser vision, given the Porkypine’s biological qualities, is not.

The plasma vision is caused by a mixture of chemicals with unreasonably long names. Two different Chemicals are kept in balloons under the Porkypine’s brain. For simplicity’s sake, we will refer to them as chemicals A and B. When the Porkypine decides that it’s time to light em’ up, valves in the balloons open, allowing chemicals to flow down small channels. Each chemical flows in a separate channel, all of which opens out into a main channel. The chemicals do not react to each other at this stage, and carry on to a third balloon. This balloon is surrounded by special smooth muscles that constantly contract and expand, causing the balloon to vibrate madly. This mixes the chemicals, which form a new mixture, which we will call chemical C. After being mixed, the chemical flows down another channel leading to the eye. There, the chemicals react with ectoplasm in the eye to make a fourth mixture, chemical D, or liquid plasma. The plasma is now dangerous, but still a slow-moving mass. It then moves on to a series of concentration cells in the eye, which pushes the plasma forward, faster and faster. Finally, an opening in the Retina of the eye concentrates it to a fine beam, which blasts out, ready to vaporize. This fine beam of plasma could easily be mistaken for a laser. (See diagram B)

diagram B

Next, the dedicated team of scientist investigated the idea of acid spit. Using high-tech lab gear such as lasers, robots, and M&Ms, the team successfully concluded that the saliva of the Porkypine is acidic. Unfortunately, the team was unable to determine what caused the acidity or what safeguarded the Porkypine from it.

However, the most important and interesting part of the research was with its brain. Not the functions of it, but the motives for it. What makes the Porkypine evil? Unfortunately, this, too, was impossible to find out. Some suggest that they are controlled by Zer0, while others claim that they only use their spikes in defense. Neither is likely to be true. What possible reason could Zer0 have for Brittney Spear’s success, and what type of defense would be terrifying enough to send Waldo into hiding? No, the Porkypine’s motives lay with the Porkypine, but science can never uncover the truth of this mystery.

History of Porkypines

Long ago, before even the Internet was around, before Google talked for you, before cell phones even existed, and even before the computer was invented, a terrible predator lurked in the deepest parts of the forest Behindinschoolwork [pronounced Beh-een-din-shoo-lu-wuk]. Several witnesses claimed seeing ominous spiky shapes lurking outside the light of their campfires, never staying put long enough to make out what they were. All the witnesses bore a common mark: over-stretched mouths and hoarse voices. One extreme case was frozen in a look of horror:

True story.

The poor folks behaved skittishly afterwards, causing public unrest. Soon, the authorities got wind of the information and set out to have a look. Wildlife experts were to go camping in the Dark Woods (Behindinschoolwork), some setting campfires and others not. Some were in charge of children, others alone; some brought s'mores materials, some only brought hot dogs; some brought schoolwork and did it, some brought schoolwork and didn't do it, and some left their books at home. Out of all these, those with the most sightings were equipped as follows: schoolbooks untouched, marshmallows roasted over fires, and 6th grade to 12th grade students.

Scientists were highly intrigued about the reasons for these sightings. Why would untouched schoolbooks and roasted marshmallows attract a spiky beast? What beast would be attracted to these things?

This question was not answered for ages. Scientists gave up, and the only remaining mention of these creatures was told in campfire stories. Until around 2009, no more sightings were reported. But then…

A 4-years-running online school called NorthStar Academy was thriving happily. Students posted in Cafés about pointless things, randomness was at large, and credits were being fulfilled. However, schoolwork went slowly for many students. The scientific explanation was called “procrastination,” but one clever student knew better. Andrew Maust, you may have heard his name mentioned somewhere, was the first to claim witness of the fabulous spiky marauders. He called them “Porkypines.” collective gasp from audience Yes, I know. You all are terrified at the mention of these terrible beasts. But Andrew was fearless of their effects on him. He sought to discover more about porkypines and their habits.

After long hours of research, he discovered that porkypines have 3,000,000,007+ poky parts, laser vision, and acid spit. Yeah, they're THAT terrible. They scared Waldo into hiding. They secretly ensured Brittany Spears's success. They killed Bruce Lee. They, not Chuck Norris, are what monsters check their closets for each night. Porkypines came up with homework, as well as geometry proofs. He discovered that they were the reason for the poor man whose face was frozen in a scream.

Now, this was, of course, first-level research and documentation. As of recently, discoveries have been made that claim that porkypines are actually procrastination monsters! (Yes, that sounds highly fantastical, but it is true. Every time you procrastinate, it's because a porkypine has infiltrated your home and shot you with a poisonous spine.) Research proves that porkypines are terrifying, not because they have acid spit and laser vision, but because they are so silently deadly. They sneak through the cyberworld in broad daylight, faster than light and quieter than darkness. Their spiky parts are coated with a thin membrane of poisonous liquid. This poison, of course, is not deadly to humans; it is, however, deadly to deadlines and due-dates.

Yes, dear readers, it is surely sooth. We have, indeed, unearthed the spring of procrastination! You may think, “So procrastination is actually porkypine sting. How will that help me with keeping on track with my schoolwork?” Well, long story short, it really doesn't. I've actually just given you another way to procrastinate. Those porkypines are very clever.

However, Mr. Maust did not stop at studying porkypines. Moreover, he learnt the foe of porkypines! The mighty jungle race of the kinkajou (yes, they DO exist; look them up on Wikipedia) is ready for action! Kinkajous are much like lemurs, except they have training camps in the jungle for their young. They learn ninja technique, study anti-procrastination methods, and jump really high. These highly developed techniques are what ensured that only four ghosts exist in PacMan. Kinkajous ensured that Bill Clinton did not get elected for a third term. They are the reason Davy Jones only goes ashore every ten years. They are also the reason that the Joker was not in Batman 3. Each graduate of Porkypine Destroyer Academy (PDA) is given his or her own katana, sized flawlessly to suit the young alumni. Then the kinkajous are organized in groups and sent out across the world, ready to leap into action at a moment's notice. All they need is a call to action from a creature in need. “They eat porkypines for breakfast. Do you feel safe? Good. u_u” -Andrew Maust

The legendary Porkypine has been discovered in ____ _____'s backyard. He was smuggling them across the Indian Ocean. Bro is doing illegal stuff no cap

Yes, readers, this account is coughmostlycough true. Porkypines are unquestionably the enemy of punctuality, unpredictability, and healthy NSA activity. 'Tis a sad day when they sneak into our blessed halls and wreak silence. But now you know how to counteract them; I charge you to do so with all your awesome random power!

See also

• Baconypines